My Queen's Letter to her Mom
So, until we actually were assured I had the new job, I kept this in draft on my blog. This one email made me so proud to be married to my wife.
Dear Mom,
Okay. I know we need to talk face to face but I want to write everything I am thinking about down.
Here is how this decision came to be: When John and I first went to Clinton to visit him mom in 1998, I fell a little bit in love with the town, the people and his connections there. I have always had this Utopian fantasy of small town living with a strong community base that looks out for one another, beautiful buildings, lots of community activities. A place where people look out for each other. Like the beach, but with people who are really there for each other. Clinton is all of this. Its charming and has many times, though the residents done necessarily like the comparison, been called “The Mayberry of the Midwest”. Yes, everyone knows everyone else and that comes with its own drawbacks, but you are never overlooked or forgotten. Even now when we visit, I can walk into any place or talk to anyone and mention I am Becky Doyle’s (john’s mom) Daughter in Law and its instant social credit. People know who I am, who I am married to and even sometimes, things about me.
Midwesterners are a different breed of people in only good ways. They are honest, forward and simple in a lot of ways. They work hard, educate themselves, band together and are usually pretty religiously active which, for me, it’s a plus. They are not real touchy freely at first and they do take time to warm up, but its not like in Grayson where you are always an outsider even if you live there your whole life. They are tolerant and comfortable people. Connections are important and they like to make them with other people.
Clinton is the place I want to raise Avery. We missed our chance with the older girls and it’s a big regret of mine. When we moved to Plainfield, I thought I would have that kind of community, but it was too new of a town. I still love Illinois, even with the cold winters, because of the feel of the place. Its something you just have to live to understand fully, but it’s a salt of the earth goodness that we don’t see here often. People are so concerned with their own bubble-lives they don’t pay attention to others. They put their elderly in nursing homes, their kids with nannies, their spouses at work and its every man for themselves. You see it most clearly in traffic here and I know you understand what I mean there.
This is NOT John’s choice or his influence. Honestly its Clinton’s. Every time we go back, it gets harder to leave. When we were there in September, and visited Jan, Avery played outside for the first time without supervision. And she loved it, She was singing and dancing and exploring. She got filthy and she LOVED it. She still talks about it. MY stress level was so low, I felt happy the whole time I was there. I knew. KNEW she was okay. Its not that there cant be danger there, there is anywhere, but when you have a whole town who lives and breathes their community and they look after each other, you know someone will always be there to keep an eye out for her. Even with our older girls, once we got to Clinton, we turned them loose and told them to come back when the street lights were on. You could literally see their souls expand and they walked in sunshine. The way Opie did on The Andy Griffith show. I want that for Avery. I want her to have a happy, healthy childhood with a mom who can relax enough to enjoy it too.
I know there is a HUGE risk for you in joining us. I totally understand the trepidation that you might feel placing your career, finances and emotional well being in my hands (at least for a while). I know how hard you have worked to get where you are with the post office. You deserve so much more than they give you. You have a great heart and when I saw you with Aunt Tee Dee it reminded me how good you are with older people. I want for you the same as I want for me and my family. I want you to be happy and stress free. I hate that you break yourself physically and mentally every day at a job you don’t like anymore. I want Avery to have her grandma there the way I did. BUT I DO UNDERSTAND why this is hard decision.
I know that if you leave the post office, you will lose your benefits. Health insurance, pension, etc.
I know that leaving the beach would be really hard emotionally
I know that you have never lived off the east coast and you have no idea what to expect.
I know you hate cold weather.
I know you don’t want to be dependent on us for money
I know its scary to take off for places unknown even as a young person but probably more so for someone a little older and set in their ways.
I cant make promises. I cant swear that something awful wont happen that would screw up our plans. Like John getting hurt or dying, or someone getting really sick, or that you wont like it there. But I know you aren’t really happy here. I know that something could happen to any of us here, I know that even in the face of the worst possible situation, its always better to have family close to support you.
I don’t have an answer yet for the benefits thing. I do know that we may be paying for our own health insurance anyway and we can look into a policy for you as well. Living without health care is NOT an option for any of us. We are just looking into a options, johns prospective employer has offered it.
Leaving the beach, at some point, is the plan right now. To sell the house, divy up the estate and move on. I don’t want to force your hand. I don’t want to pressure you before you are ready. BUT I know how much its stressing you emotionally and financially and maybe this is just the gift God is sending to all of us to help us along. I will miss it too, but I know that I have the same feeling of being HOME when I am in Clinton. Same older homes, same older people, same trees, same kids on bikes, same gardens and sun and I know Grandma is with me wherever I go.
The winter in the Midwest is cold. I agree. However, the winter HERE is cold too and I think its worse because its wetter and humid and it chills to the bone. The changes in temperature make it harder when it warms up and then drops again. Though its damn cold there in the winter, there is no change til its ready to warm again. And then, its spring. And summer. And they are GLORIOUS there. Not too hot. No humidity. And always a nice breeze. There is not the lake effect winds that farm inland that Plainfield had. Still cold. Lots of snow. But they are prepared for it and its not the freak out it is here. Besides, it’s the same season as here.
AS for money, I don’t know how to make you feel comfortable about it. We can sit down and look at a budget together. We can plan how it will be disbursed, either directly to you or we pay the bills for you and give you cash to live on. I don’t know what you would prefer. I am not saying we are going to live high on the hog, but we can live comfortably there. Its cheaper.
I think you would be happy in a house of your own with the doggies and since the town is so small, you can have Avery over at night whenever you want. Or you can stay at our house when you want. I don’t have a problem living in the same house, BUT our combined animals probably would. I don’t see the cat and dogs getting along even if my allergies aren’t a factor. BUT I can stay with you till you are comfortable if you like. The town is a little bit bigger than Colonial Beach. They have a walmart, mcdonalds, hardees, several restaurants, gas stations, grocery stores (though they are really small), lots of small businesses, a gorgeous lake, Weldon springs (smaller lake), brand new middle and high school, building a new elementary, a brand new nursing home, assisted living apartments, a Friendship Center (for the older residents) a YMCA, an awesome park with a splash pad. And that’s just in Clinton. Bloomington is 25 mins away. Springfield is an hour. There are several small towns outlying Clinton. Its 2.5 hours from Chicago.
Mom, I feel like you have lived your life without being truly happy most of the time. I know you have worked hard. I know you deserve happiness. I think you have a good shot at finding it with us in Clinton. There is a community college in town that you could take classes at and find something that makes you happy. I just want happiness for you. I don’t want to take Avery away from you or you away from here. It makes me so sad to think of it. Which is one of the reason I want you to come. Its selfish but I love you and you are really the only family I have that I am close to.
Even if John could find something here that makes him happy, I hate living in northern VA. I hate not having a community I belong to. One where Ave can grown up with the same people. Not worry about everyone moving away. Be a happy carefree kid.
I don’t want you to feel pressured. I want you to do what you feel is best for you. If there are problems I haven’t thought of, I am happy to think and talk about them with you. Like I said, I cant promise you’ll be happy there but I feel like you aren’t happy here either. I know its not all going to be easy, but I know we can do this. Together. I just have so many thoughts of all of us together there. My heart hopes you come but I understand if you don’t.
I love you so much mom.
Andi
Dear Mom,
Okay. I know we need to talk face to face but I want to write everything I am thinking about down.
Here is how this decision came to be: When John and I first went to Clinton to visit him mom in 1998, I fell a little bit in love with the town, the people and his connections there. I have always had this Utopian fantasy of small town living with a strong community base that looks out for one another, beautiful buildings, lots of community activities. A place where people look out for each other. Like the beach, but with people who are really there for each other. Clinton is all of this. Its charming and has many times, though the residents done necessarily like the comparison, been called “The Mayberry of the Midwest”. Yes, everyone knows everyone else and that comes with its own drawbacks, but you are never overlooked or forgotten. Even now when we visit, I can walk into any place or talk to anyone and mention I am Becky Doyle’s (john’s mom) Daughter in Law and its instant social credit. People know who I am, who I am married to and even sometimes, things about me.
Midwesterners are a different breed of people in only good ways. They are honest, forward and simple in a lot of ways. They work hard, educate themselves, band together and are usually pretty religiously active which, for me, it’s a plus. They are not real touchy freely at first and they do take time to warm up, but its not like in Grayson where you are always an outsider even if you live there your whole life. They are tolerant and comfortable people. Connections are important and they like to make them with other people.
Clinton is the place I want to raise Avery. We missed our chance with the older girls and it’s a big regret of mine. When we moved to Plainfield, I thought I would have that kind of community, but it was too new of a town. I still love Illinois, even with the cold winters, because of the feel of the place. Its something you just have to live to understand fully, but it’s a salt of the earth goodness that we don’t see here often. People are so concerned with their own bubble-lives they don’t pay attention to others. They put their elderly in nursing homes, their kids with nannies, their spouses at work and its every man for themselves. You see it most clearly in traffic here and I know you understand what I mean there.
This is NOT John’s choice or his influence. Honestly its Clinton’s. Every time we go back, it gets harder to leave. When we were there in September, and visited Jan, Avery played outside for the first time without supervision. And she loved it, She was singing and dancing and exploring. She got filthy and she LOVED it. She still talks about it. MY stress level was so low, I felt happy the whole time I was there. I knew. KNEW she was okay. Its not that there cant be danger there, there is anywhere, but when you have a whole town who lives and breathes their community and they look after each other, you know someone will always be there to keep an eye out for her. Even with our older girls, once we got to Clinton, we turned them loose and told them to come back when the street lights were on. You could literally see their souls expand and they walked in sunshine. The way Opie did on The Andy Griffith show. I want that for Avery. I want her to have a happy, healthy childhood with a mom who can relax enough to enjoy it too.
I know there is a HUGE risk for you in joining us. I totally understand the trepidation that you might feel placing your career, finances and emotional well being in my hands (at least for a while). I know how hard you have worked to get where you are with the post office. You deserve so much more than they give you. You have a great heart and when I saw you with Aunt Tee Dee it reminded me how good you are with older people. I want for you the same as I want for me and my family. I want you to be happy and stress free. I hate that you break yourself physically and mentally every day at a job you don’t like anymore. I want Avery to have her grandma there the way I did. BUT I DO UNDERSTAND why this is hard decision.
I know that if you leave the post office, you will lose your benefits. Health insurance, pension, etc.
I know that leaving the beach would be really hard emotionally
I know that you have never lived off the east coast and you have no idea what to expect.
I know you hate cold weather.
I know you don’t want to be dependent on us for money
I know its scary to take off for places unknown even as a young person but probably more so for someone a little older and set in their ways.
I cant make promises. I cant swear that something awful wont happen that would screw up our plans. Like John getting hurt or dying, or someone getting really sick, or that you wont like it there. But I know you aren’t really happy here. I know that something could happen to any of us here, I know that even in the face of the worst possible situation, its always better to have family close to support you.
I don’t have an answer yet for the benefits thing. I do know that we may be paying for our own health insurance anyway and we can look into a policy for you as well. Living without health care is NOT an option for any of us. We are just looking into a options, johns prospective employer has offered it.
Leaving the beach, at some point, is the plan right now. To sell the house, divy up the estate and move on. I don’t want to force your hand. I don’t want to pressure you before you are ready. BUT I know how much its stressing you emotionally and financially and maybe this is just the gift God is sending to all of us to help us along. I will miss it too, but I know that I have the same feeling of being HOME when I am in Clinton. Same older homes, same older people, same trees, same kids on bikes, same gardens and sun and I know Grandma is with me wherever I go.
The winter in the Midwest is cold. I agree. However, the winter HERE is cold too and I think its worse because its wetter and humid and it chills to the bone. The changes in temperature make it harder when it warms up and then drops again. Though its damn cold there in the winter, there is no change til its ready to warm again. And then, its spring. And summer. And they are GLORIOUS there. Not too hot. No humidity. And always a nice breeze. There is not the lake effect winds that farm inland that Plainfield had. Still cold. Lots of snow. But they are prepared for it and its not the freak out it is here. Besides, it’s the same season as here.
AS for money, I don’t know how to make you feel comfortable about it. We can sit down and look at a budget together. We can plan how it will be disbursed, either directly to you or we pay the bills for you and give you cash to live on. I don’t know what you would prefer. I am not saying we are going to live high on the hog, but we can live comfortably there. Its cheaper.
I think you would be happy in a house of your own with the doggies and since the town is so small, you can have Avery over at night whenever you want. Or you can stay at our house when you want. I don’t have a problem living in the same house, BUT our combined animals probably would. I don’t see the cat and dogs getting along even if my allergies aren’t a factor. BUT I can stay with you till you are comfortable if you like. The town is a little bit bigger than Colonial Beach. They have a walmart, mcdonalds, hardees, several restaurants, gas stations, grocery stores (though they are really small), lots of small businesses, a gorgeous lake, Weldon springs (smaller lake), brand new middle and high school, building a new elementary, a brand new nursing home, assisted living apartments, a Friendship Center (for the older residents) a YMCA, an awesome park with a splash pad. And that’s just in Clinton. Bloomington is 25 mins away. Springfield is an hour. There are several small towns outlying Clinton. Its 2.5 hours from Chicago.
Mom, I feel like you have lived your life without being truly happy most of the time. I know you have worked hard. I know you deserve happiness. I think you have a good shot at finding it with us in Clinton. There is a community college in town that you could take classes at and find something that makes you happy. I just want happiness for you. I don’t want to take Avery away from you or you away from here. It makes me so sad to think of it. Which is one of the reason I want you to come. Its selfish but I love you and you are really the only family I have that I am close to.
Even if John could find something here that makes him happy, I hate living in northern VA. I hate not having a community I belong to. One where Ave can grown up with the same people. Not worry about everyone moving away. Be a happy carefree kid.
I don’t want you to feel pressured. I want you to do what you feel is best for you. If there are problems I haven’t thought of, I am happy to think and talk about them with you. Like I said, I cant promise you’ll be happy there but I feel like you aren’t happy here either. I know its not all going to be easy, but I know we can do this. Together. I just have so many thoughts of all of us together there. My heart hopes you come but I understand if you don’t.
I love you so much mom.
Andi
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