Primal Scream

It is getting to me. I needed time to actually think about it, but I think I finally figured it out. 

I have been working in technology for over 35 years. It all started with the Air Force as a Telephone and Data Circuitry Specialist. From there it has mutated from technology to technology, network cabling to SNA server to Exchange server to SharePoint. I have always had a goal... to be the best I can be in my field. 

Now I am a manager. Even though I am still learning what that means in its entirety, I have lost the one thing that has kept me going for decades...motivation. I have nothing left to prove. 

One of the hidden personality quirks for me has always been to prove to my birth parents that they missed out of a pretty fantastic, successful person. Well, it has been 4 years since I found my birthmothers side of the family and 3.5 years since I found the birthfathers side. I have nothing to prove to either of them. They are both dead. Their children all know who I am now and they have lived their own best lives. 

So what is my overarching motivation now? Where do I go from here? 

Andi suggested learning something new. I don’t like painting...I vibrate too high for that. I don’t like doing anything that is tedious or requires precision manual tools. Why? Because I vibrate all the time. I always feel like I am shaking and when I am not actually shaking a foot, I still feel like I am shaking. Benign essential tremors the doctor called it. 

So what... quarantined to a 1000 square foot 2 bedroom apartment in the city. Leaving during this 3rd wave is an even worse option. The sun goes down at 16:20. There is absolutely nothing I need that I don’t already have. I am just in a very deep hole and even if i looked up, I am not sure what I would be looking for. 

Here I am. I just want to take a deep breath and bellow with all force to let world know I am out here, and I need help. 

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