Dreams about what could be...
I want to go bowling.
I can't possibly be alone in the rationalization that I am wasting space. I better explain. For quite some time I have felt as though my sole purpose here is to provide funding and male role model for my girls. There are times that I truly enjoy my job. But when I look around at what I have really accomplished that may have made a difference in someone's life, I see nothing. I don't golf, I am not someone with a substantial amount of money, and I do not contribute to the community or the human race a whole lot. This lack of involvement was quietly pointed out to me by my wife as Christmas comes closer. I don't attend church (I have a real issue with organized religion).
It is not that I don't want to make a difference, more the fact I don't feel like making a difference. I am really in a defensive mental posture right now. I wake up after a restless night of sleep, drudge my ass to work with the gruelling 2 to 2 1/2 hour commute, only to arrive at an organization that is currrently thinking with the logic of a submarine with screen doors. There are bright spots in the day, glimmers of hope often extinguished with a puff of a breath of the flying monkeys. My job is thankless. Only when something goes wrong do I here any type of criticism. Then I again take the 2 to 2 1/2 hour excursion back home. The ride to work does not bother me nearly as much as the ride home. I arrive home in time to have dinner (sometimes with the family), sing the youngest a bedtime song, and then, maybe, some me and Andi time.
My weekends are spent at home. More often than not, we have no money. Even if we have some money, it is scheduled for other things. We used to hop in the car and find a new destination, but with the price of gas, food, and maybe lodging, that too is limited. Whoa is me! It's all about me! So, I shut up, watch some TV and/or play my game. I should be interacting with the kids, but my experience in this matter involves some sort of other activity (as mentioned above).
So, when my wife mentions to me that wants to help 3 kids on the angel tree, I understand the intent. At the same time, I sit there and think, dammit, our kids could use that too...and I still haven't gone shopping. It is her money. She is right. It makes her very happy to help these kids. I am so proud of her. I just wish I had the same compassion, passion for helping, and sense of community. I have really tried. It is just not in me, or maybe it is and it is just delivered different.
It is not that I don't have any passion. I love providing experiences to people. It can be as little as introducing someone to the ecstacy of loose leaf Earl Grey Supreme freshly brewed in the french press; or it could be taking my daughter to the front row seats of the Blue Man Group concert and being sprayed with squished bananas. I have a passion for music. The more intricate the music, the more I love it. I love my home town of Clinton, Illinois. I don't live there, but if I could, I would. In Clinton, I feel the sense of community that I haven't begun to feel here. People still know me in Clinton and I haven't lived there in 21 years.
Andi feels the sense of community because she it beginning to seed herself into her church. Did I mention I have a problem with organized religion?
So, what do I really want to do? I want to open a tea store simular to Starbucks, only for tea. I want to help out the local high school marching band or create an area drum and bugle corps. I want to experience the Midwest in all there is in sight, sound, smell, taste and touch. I want to go bowling.
I can't possibly be alone in the rationalization that I am wasting space. I better explain. For quite some time I have felt as though my sole purpose here is to provide funding and male role model for my girls. There are times that I truly enjoy my job. But when I look around at what I have really accomplished that may have made a difference in someone's life, I see nothing. I don't golf, I am not someone with a substantial amount of money, and I do not contribute to the community or the human race a whole lot. This lack of involvement was quietly pointed out to me by my wife as Christmas comes closer. I don't attend church (I have a real issue with organized religion).
It is not that I don't want to make a difference, more the fact I don't feel like making a difference. I am really in a defensive mental posture right now. I wake up after a restless night of sleep, drudge my ass to work with the gruelling 2 to 2 1/2 hour commute, only to arrive at an organization that is currrently thinking with the logic of a submarine with screen doors. There are bright spots in the day, glimmers of hope often extinguished with a puff of a breath of the flying monkeys. My job is thankless. Only when something goes wrong do I here any type of criticism. Then I again take the 2 to 2 1/2 hour excursion back home. The ride to work does not bother me nearly as much as the ride home. I arrive home in time to have dinner (sometimes with the family), sing the youngest a bedtime song, and then, maybe, some me and Andi time.
My weekends are spent at home. More often than not, we have no money. Even if we have some money, it is scheduled for other things. We used to hop in the car and find a new destination, but with the price of gas, food, and maybe lodging, that too is limited. Whoa is me! It's all about me! So, I shut up, watch some TV and/or play my game. I should be interacting with the kids, but my experience in this matter involves some sort of other activity (as mentioned above).
So, when my wife mentions to me that wants to help 3 kids on the angel tree, I understand the intent. At the same time, I sit there and think, dammit, our kids could use that too...and I still haven't gone shopping. It is her money. She is right. It makes her very happy to help these kids. I am so proud of her. I just wish I had the same compassion, passion for helping, and sense of community. I have really tried. It is just not in me, or maybe it is and it is just delivered different.
It is not that I don't have any passion. I love providing experiences to people. It can be as little as introducing someone to the ecstacy of loose leaf Earl Grey Supreme freshly brewed in the french press; or it could be taking my daughter to the front row seats of the Blue Man Group concert and being sprayed with squished bananas. I have a passion for music. The more intricate the music, the more I love it. I love my home town of Clinton, Illinois. I don't live there, but if I could, I would. In Clinton, I feel the sense of community that I haven't begun to feel here. People still know me in Clinton and I haven't lived there in 21 years.
Andi feels the sense of community because she it beginning to seed herself into her church. Did I mention I have a problem with organized religion?
So, what do I really want to do? I want to open a tea store simular to Starbucks, only for tea. I want to help out the local high school marching band or create an area drum and bugle corps. I want to experience the Midwest in all there is in sight, sound, smell, taste and touch. I want to go bowling.
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