Dysthymia and Cliff Notes
I am broken...but in the process of being fixed. I didn't realize how broken I was until it was to the point that my Queen pointed it out directly. For most of my life I have been fairly unemotional. This was basically my technique of toughening up. Shut off all emotion...all... happiness, sadness, everything.
Why? I think it may go all the way back to my birth. I am adopted. Given up by my birthmother. How does this affect my disposition? Well, it is the belief of many that adoptees become one of two type of people: Overachievers and Underachievers. I fall into the overachiever category. Basically they either have something to prove or give up on life. That was strike one.
I was adopted by a loving family. At 6 years old, my father committed suicide in the car in the garage. At 12 years old my older brother removed himself from existence by means of shotgun. Upon graduating high school, instead of going to college I joined the Air Force for 4 years. I had scholarships for music but determined that music was not a career...so I took 4 years to determine what I wanted to be. Instead, the Air Force gave me my career in information technology. I found and married my first wife in the Air Force and we founded 3 beautiful girls.
We had good time and bad times through the marriage up until the point she became sick. Since we now lost her income, I had to "skip the crick" to DC to get enough money to subsidize the loss of income. She went through surgery and they managed to remove it all. Later, she determined that I needed to start dating and she taught me how. A year later, a plastic bag ended her life. This was the spiral of the depressive funk.
The Queen managed to pull me out of the funk but I was not the same still. Another suicide. That is what kept running through my head. My life became motions...work, sleep, work, sleep. I felt as if I was not getting anywhere and I would never really be happy. After nearly losing my Queen, I went to see the shrink.
After the Celexa and hour long talks, the conclusion was Dysthymia. Things are much better and I have plans. The hopelessness has gone to the wayside and the new hope has emerged. I have finally come to realize that other people's actions does not mean that it is a lack of love for me...it is their issues.
Why? I think it may go all the way back to my birth. I am adopted. Given up by my birthmother. How does this affect my disposition? Well, it is the belief of many that adoptees become one of two type of people: Overachievers and Underachievers. I fall into the overachiever category. Basically they either have something to prove or give up on life. That was strike one.
I was adopted by a loving family. At 6 years old, my father committed suicide in the car in the garage. At 12 years old my older brother removed himself from existence by means of shotgun. Upon graduating high school, instead of going to college I joined the Air Force for 4 years. I had scholarships for music but determined that music was not a career...so I took 4 years to determine what I wanted to be. Instead, the Air Force gave me my career in information technology. I found and married my first wife in the Air Force and we founded 3 beautiful girls.
We had good time and bad times through the marriage up until the point she became sick. Since we now lost her income, I had to "skip the crick" to DC to get enough money to subsidize the loss of income. She went through surgery and they managed to remove it all. Later, she determined that I needed to start dating and she taught me how. A year later, a plastic bag ended her life. This was the spiral of the depressive funk.
The Queen managed to pull me out of the funk but I was not the same still. Another suicide. That is what kept running through my head. My life became motions...work, sleep, work, sleep. I felt as if I was not getting anywhere and I would never really be happy. After nearly losing my Queen, I went to see the shrink.
After the Celexa and hour long talks, the conclusion was Dysthymia. Things are much better and I have plans. The hopelessness has gone to the wayside and the new hope has emerged. I have finally come to realize that other people's actions does not mean that it is a lack of love for me...it is their issues.
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