John Burkholder

I hate exercise machines. Whoever came up with the idea of exercising in the confines of their house, should get out more. The Queen has recently mentioned purchasing another exercise machine. This would not be the first. Here is my issue with exercise machines: You spend days or weeks researching the one vessel that will lower your weight and tone your muscles. You finally figure out that the super deluxe off the ground unicycle made of the gold plated wire rim with pulse control, radio, and a seat small enough to be used as an anal probe is the product you need. The cup holder is an extra option that you will also add to the purchase. Hey, it is cheaper than the platinum one. After all, let's not go overboard, who needs platinum? You empty out your bank account and head to the nearest fitness equipment sales center to purchase it. How nice is it that they will even deliver it for free? Having received your new gold plated exercise vehicle, you climb aboard and test it out. This i

I woke up this morning from a nightmare. I rarely have nightmares. The thing that made last night's dream so bad was the environment. I can usually control my environment in dreams. I can control the weather, the location of items, day or night. But last night, I was at a loss. It started like almost every other dream that I am able to remember. Nothing significant happening and then pieces start falling into place. As they fall into place, I mentally move them to my benefit. Then I got blind-sided. I was at work with co-workers without faces and a female was chewing me up and down because I had not done enough research to answer a question. I had not planned for what I had not forecasted. Normally I can rely on my body language and people reading/reasoning skills to bring them off the ledge and come to a solution. But tonight (the dream takes place at night) is not the case. I begin looking around the room for my control point and I see nothing but the lady standing screaming at m

Today is Memorial Day (Decoration Day). It is a day to honor the fallen soldiers who have protected our liberties in the United States and abroad. At 3:00 today, the National Moment of Rememberance takes place to pay quiet tribute to our soldiers past. As a veteran, I have an attachment to Memorial Day. Veterans who have died for their country have a special place where honored warriors walk in peace and tranquility. These men and women gave up their lives to ensure the family and friends can live with the freedom and liberty they deserve. For all of the military and civilian support that have died for this freedom, thank you. This brings me to my point (as I almost always have one). At 3:00PM local time, observe 5 minutes of silence. The following is a list of the United States Soldiers who have died since the last Memorial Day: In Iraq Derek Argel, 28, Air Force Captain, May 30, 2005 Casey Crate, 26, Air Force Staff Sergeant, May 30, 2005 William Downs, 40, Air Force Major, May 30, 2

I fully admit I am not big in the fashion world. Fact is, I have some hard set rules that I rarely deviate from: Dark pants, light shirt Light shirt, dark pants Dark shirt, light pants When in work attire, wear a t-shirt (I have to dress business casual) Wear a belt when you have belt loops Black socks for business attire, white socks for casual That is about it. There are times when I see someone wearing what I feel is just not right, and are very tempted to walk up to them and ask them "What made you wear that?" There is a new guy on the train who only rides in the morning with us. He wears white velcro sneakers. I didn't even know they made velcro sneakers in adult sizes, but sure enough, there they are. Is it possible that I am behind the times and that fashion has made a comeback from the 80s? I DO remember seeing bell bottom jeans not too long ago. I haven't always been in need of the fashion police, back in the 80s when I was a teenager, I wore my zippered para

I am often googled for off the wall items such as lightning causing essetial tremors or Pheasant Plucker ( I get a lot of those ). For the first time though, when someone from Purchase, New York googled, there was one entry of one...mine. Search Hello New York! Just sharing in my coolness.

OK, That is bad. The Pickled Liver Train Car was christened Thursday night by all of the founding members. There was an immense amount of alcohol and pickles consumed and everyone managed not to get kicked off the train. Overall, it was good. The conductor talked to the Mexican the following day and mentioned that he too was surprised we didn't get the boot. Unfortunately for me, after the sixth Long Island Iced Tea and three Jell-O shooters, my body and my mind were not working well together. My brain was fully cognizant that I needed to walk. But when the brain started moving the torso, the legs did not appear to have received the message. It is either that, or they were on strike. The torso continued forward and the legs were left behind. At this point, you really can't get the hands to help either. Your brain explains very loudly (at least I thought it was loud) that they need to be extended to prevent the impending fall. Nope, no luck. So as I lay there laughing at how fun

So, today was the christening party. I am way to smashed to actually write one on my blog entries. BTW, it took me 15 minutes to write that. Pics tomorrow.

I purchased new underwear last Saturday. They feel very comfy, almost to the point where walking in my underwear can make me (one sided grin) "happy." I purchased the Hanes classic boxer briefs with the tagless comfortsoft waistband. That comfortsoft waistband really makes a difference. Certain parts are not falling out of flaps because there are no flaps. I guess they finally figured out that with boxer briefs, nobody uses the flaps. I am sure, that at this point many people are wondering why I am so infatuated with my new underwear. I have gone through the cycle of underwear as many men (and women) have. I had whitey-tighties all through high school and into the Air Force. While in the Air Force though I was informed that I was to wear boxers. The first wife wanted to get pregnant and she believed that briefs lower the sperm count. OK...whatever...it is underwear. That is until you actually wear boxers and the boys feel FREE! No more uncomfortable shifting and if you need t

The Color Purple was a movie that will stand the test of time like other great movies such as Gone with the Wind , Singing in the Rain , and Dude, Where's my Car? With stars such as Danny Glover, Whoopi Goldberg and Oprah Winfrey, everyone anxiously anticipated the release. Friday, I saw the movie The DaVinci Code . The problem is, I read the book. Granted, the movie and the book were very much alike, but in my honest opinion, I would give it no better than a "C." It was mostly the acting. My problem is, the book gave me a very good visual as to who the main characters were and how they interacted. Tom Hanks and Audrey Tautou did not fit. It really appeared they were just saying the words as they were written and there wasn't any real acting. It was like they stood there and read a book. Very disappointing. That was my Friday (well, that and drinking profusely). Saturday, I shopped for some clothes and spent the afternoon washing and waxing my truck in the beautiful

I started riding the train to and from work at the beginning of the year. There are a half dozen things I have found to be enjoyable and for posterity I will annotate them here. The relaxing ride in and out helps me ramp up and burn down from my job. I find that when I was driving in, I was worn out by the time I reached the office. The traffic in the Chicagoland area will drain all of your well-being out of you. I have found community. Granted, it is a community that only lasts 2 hours per day, but I look forward to those 2 hours. It is such a tight knit and diverse group that we have made plans for a train outing. Most of us are going to a White Sox game together in June. I have new friends. I consider the people I ride the train with my friends. Being more social and doing new things to make friends was actually one of my New Years resolutions. So to actually be able to follow up and follow through on that is fantastic. I learn. I learn from the very diverse group that no matter wha

Today was one of those very rainy days except for when I was outside. We have this running joke on the train about me and the weather. You see, the secretary carries an umbrella when she thinks it is going to rain (today for instance). Here is how the conversations usually run... Secretary: It is suppose to rain today. Me: You won't need your umbrella today. Secretary: The weatherman says we will get rain. Me: You won't need the umbrella. Later in the day, it started pouring down rain. The thunderstorm was tearing up roads and cats and dogs were mating in the streets. It was terrible. I then received an email from the Secretary informing me that it is raining. I again affirmed, she will not need an umbrella. She made it to the train dry and never needing the umbrella. While on the train, she received a call from her son telling her that the cats and dogs were mating together at her home as well. I informed her she would not need an umbrella...and she didn't. This brings me

The Queen has left to visit her cousin. I must admit, when I was taking her to the airport, I was looking forward to a little time to myself. Little did I know, a little time was about 10 minutes. I had just hit the tollway to head back home when I was already missing her. There has been many times when I would hear a teenager walking up the stairs and I would think, "here she comes." I have been with the Queen for eight years. Even after eight years, when I know she is coming up the stairs, my pulse races, my sense of smell increases, and I have flashbacks of our first date, our wedding day and when she talked to the palm trees on her 21st birthday. I didn't sleep at all last night. The Queen has managed to raise our daughters (ours because she inherited them at a very young age) with all of the love and compassion any person can give. While having dinner with the younger daughter, I asked her if she remembers her Mother. Her reply to me was "The Queen IS my mother.

Today is another made up holiday to thank and take a step back to appreciate our Mothers. There are some people who feel thhis holiday is just another reason to make Hallmark purchases and give a boost to the chocolate economy. Is it? Is it really? Let's take a moment to really think about all the time and effort our Mothers put into raising our children. Having been a child at one time, my Mother has managed to not only keep me alive...but show me how to live. My Mother raised me alone since the passing of my Father when I was six. She provided income, housing, clothing, moral support, food, comfort, and my father figure. She was truly an incredible woman and a pillar in the community. Adding to this, she taught me that you only live once, so make the very best of it while being the best you can be. I was a terrible child at times. I have caught the detached garage on fire (I had to find out WHY the aerosol cans weren't suppose to be near flame...let alone the burn barrel) and

I will be taking a short break from my blog to concentrate on a little endeavor. I am making an attempt to write a story. I am not sure as to the outcome or even the plot line. This will be more of a free flowing set of words on "paper." Just a way for me to be creative. So, if you are bored out of your mind and surfing the world for anything and everything, you can read the following: http://techno-underground.blogspot.com/ If you have comments about the story, please post them here. I will be shutting down all comments on the other blog.

I have offended someone. In my Ooogies post, I wrote about Naked Man and how his mannerisms bothered me. Using creative description, I wrote that he was "about 6 feet 3 inches and weighs about 375 pounds." Apparently I was wrong about his weight. My attempt to make him appear intimidating has come back to bite me on the arse. I thought the point of my blog entry was fairly clear that you can't judge a book or person by it's cover. But that point apparently was lost in the details. Naked Man has taken offense to the entry and has moved to a different train car. This really bothers me. In my attempt to educate and use imagery, I have made a critical mistake. I have offended someone. I apologize. This brings me to my point (as I almost always have one). Watch what you say (or type). I have always thought of myself as aware of other people and their feelings. Now it is time for me to be educated. I will have to seriously think about my blog and how it can affect people.

What is it with the people’s obsession with grass? My neighbor is so compulsive with his yard that he will complain to the Association if I have anything “unsightly” in my yard. He uses all four chemical treatments every year and mows about twice a week because it grows so fast. You know it is bad when the siding is falling off his house…but he is out there with his fingernail clippers trimming his shrubbery (thinking Monte Python… SHRUBBERY?!). As for me, if I never have to mow my lawn all year, I am a happy camper. Last year, it was so dry, the lawn only had to be mowed five times the entire year. This year, it has a green tint and I have yet to mow it. I like this. I like having time for myself and family on the weekend instead of my yard. We also have to endure an Association requirement of no higher than a four foot fence. What exactly is a four foot high fence going to do for me? The large dogs I would like to keep out can jump over it. If someone came to a party at my house and