John Burkholder

I missed an entire day of blogging. How dare I! What could possibly draw my dedication to the Xanga community away? Work and travel. So, a little catch up. Part 1: Leaving on a jet plane… My wife (QueenSuchandSuch) dropped me off at the airport for my flight to Tampa. I am attended a work conference in Clearwater. The day started off well. I managed to get my e-ticket upgrade so I don’t have my knees in my throat and on top of that, it is in the first row…GOAL! It doesn’t happen often that I am in the front row, let alone the window seat. I proceeded to my gate, B19 and waited for my plane to start boarding. About 15 minutes before we could board, a large amount of people appeared and started getting in line…to board my plane. Apparently, the Las Vegas flight was stealing out plane. The announcement came over the PA system, “For those of you waiting for your flight to Tampa, your gate has moved to B18. B19, B18…close to each other right? Nope. As I started on my ¼ mile OJ Simpson run t

I have a deep rooted fear, a fear so great that I would be willing to sell off my children to avoid ever having to face it again. A fear I and many others face everywhere in the United States at any time of the day. It is at work, at home, in a restaurant, a gas station, it is endless and yet I manage to get through the day without it totally trashing my day. I don’t have a fear of enclosed spaces, nor bugs (well maybe spiders…because you don’t really notice them before half of my red blood cells are in their bodies), nor heights, nor animals. Not even being duct taped to the ceiling would scare me. I know the duct tape would hold. Some people fear relationships, shots, getting your tongue stuck in the mixer paddles or getting sick. What is it that could make the strongest, funniest, smartest and most modest man in the world shake like a bowl of Jello? Toilet Paper. That is it. I have a fear of running out of toilet paper. My wife ( QueenSuchandSuch ) learned early that I had to have t

I have been blogging for just over a month now and recently had a discussion with a co-worker (I will call jessieryder for the purpose of the blog) over my writing and people who read it. Jessieryder is a blogger on another board called 43 Things and writes intermittently. Well, he apparently reads my blog as what he calls a “lurker.” We were trying to define the terms for each of the readers and this is what we figured out. Lurker: Someone who reads a certain persons blog but does not have an account with said service (in my case Xanga). Jessieryder is a lurker. Stalker: Someone who reads a certain persons blog but has an account with the service. These are people with an account that NEVER actually write a blog. People who are stalkers are often keeping track of multiple people’s writings through the subscription service. Loyal Subscribers: These are people who subscribe and comment on blogs written. For most people, they are the best type of reader to have. Featured Content Browsers

That government is best which governs the least, because its people discipline themselves. Thomas Jefferson I tend to stay out of politics with my blog for a couple of reasons, there is no humor in politics and it is a volatile subject and I am a big wimp when it comes to confrontation. I think that once you bring political views into your personal space, it has gone too far. But, at what point do we say enough is enough? Today, I am experimenting with it because it came to me that people are letting things happen, complaining and not doing anything about it. We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America. Well, aren’t we all confused. We agreed to insure domestic tranquility. Do you think that requiring Google

This is just a quick shameless plug. He doesn't know I am doing it. Before I started writing my blog about The Bean , I asked macastat if he had photos already that I could use in my blog. He informed me that he didn't but that he wanted to get down there sometime this week. The good doctor has excellent artistry and continues to amaze me with his prose and photo. I consider him one of the best photographers I have ever seen. Please go visit his site here and note the Cloud Gate Sun and Shadow photo. That is my favorite of The Bean.

I will speak, and pay you money, and you will have sex with me. I have a daily dose of Reuter’s Oddly Enough. This is a series of news articles that do not have the “usual” news. It usually contains things like “ People Swim Naked in Freezing Water in Berlin ” or “ Cash pours in for Student’s $1 Million idea ” (both from previous blogs). Well, today the article reads: Man says “spell” won him harem of 10 wives TOKYO (Reuters) - A middle-aged Tokyo man found to be living with 10 younger women said he attracted them by reciting an incantation that came to him in a dream. The 57-year-old man's unusual living arrangements came to light when another woman complained to police that he had threatened her after she refused to join his harem, Kyodo news agency said Wednesday. "I had a dream that told me I would become attractive to women if I recited a particular incantation," it quoted the man as saying. A rapid series of weddings and divorces left the man with a large group of e

I am a fairly technically savvy individual. Actually, my wife used to call me high techno-weenie. I used to love gadgets. Now, I am not as amused. But today was different. I jumped into the new and improved elevator. An elevator impressed me. It wasn’t the swooshing of the doors as they permitted me to move to my 3 floor office, no, it was much better. It was a television screen. This television screen was attached to the front left corner of the elevator. I didn’t notice it at first because I was noticing the putrid color of the new carpeting. At first I thought, “How much time do they think I am going to be in here?” But when my eyes finally met the screen telling me it was currently 30 degrees outside, all of the blood rushed out of my head and toward my middle section. I press the new 3 button and move to the back of the car as others begin to pile into the moving platform. Wow, the temperature tomorrow will be 32 degrees and 40 on Thursday! Woohoo! This little bit of news was fabu

I am a big fan of art. I feel that art is an expression of a person’s emotion or message into a piece of canvas, stone, metal, wood or paper. I have seen amazing artwork from Leonardo DeVinci, Salvadore Dali and I.M.Pei. I understand how art influences the perceptions of a place but I have to wonder, where do we draw the line? Take for example the Bean. Chicago is a wonderful city full of art and culture. The Art Institute has the Lions proudly standing in front. Art is reflected in the architecture with the Tribune building, the Wrigley building and so many others. Buckingham Fountain is magnificent during the summer. But let’s talk about this bean. The bean is a shiny stainless steel structure measuring 33 feet high, 42 feet wide and 66 feet long. Even if the jolly green giant ate this bean, he would have a week long fart. Why a bean? Why a giant fart creator? It was really meant to be called “cloud gate” because 80 percent of it's surface reflects the sky. One of my many problem

When I first started thinking about this question, I thought this was going to be a quite complicated assignment. HUH…What was I thinking? This is a piece of cake! My wife, Andi ( QueenSuchandSuch ). No, I am NOT writing about her because she blogs. I may have mentioned in previous blogs that my first wife actually put me in date clothes to send me out into the dating world. Well, that was part of it there is much more. When Teri, my first wife passed away, it was sudden and unexpected. Andi was with me through the hardest time in my life. Not only was she there for me, but most importantly my kids. The three of them were 8, 9, and 10. Compassion and understanding. Andi made sure she was there when I told the kids. She was there when they had to go back to school. Her attitude toward helping the kids was always positive and when challenged with adversity, stepped up to the plate. When I was a slobbering ball of goo, she made sure I stayed focused. When my middle child, Shae was having

As I sit here in the kitchen typing the post, I am looking at the countertops and begin to wonder why it is we have so many appliances. I love kitchen appliances. They are in some way like tools…for the kitchen. I know you all are thinking, “they are tools for the kitchen.” But seriously, why so many, so big? Let me take inventory. I have a Christmas gifted Toastmaster toaster. It is the kind where you can stick your pet rock in it if you decided to, not the catapult kind of toaster. This toaster is less than stellar. It toasts (which is the purpose) but it is really slow. I have the backup catapult toaster in the corner cabinet. Next is the KitchenAid standing mixer. This mixer was handed down to me from my Mom. It is about 40 years old and when it was bought, it was considered the bakery edition (because we owned a bakery). I would never get rid of the mixer. I will pass that down to my kids. I have 2 knife blocks (because 1 wasn’t enough). I am not sure what to think of having so ma

I have been blogging for an entire month now. One month of fun filled frolicking fantasies. I have been challenged with my first ode, a week of duct tape, and now...ilsurvive has challenged me to explain urinal etiquitte. To be perfectly honest, I am not really the right person to ask about this subject. Fact is, according to all of the guy handbook, I failed Urinals 101. According to the Internation Center for Bathroom Etiquitte , there are a lot of different etiquittes for whatever the situation gives. DrinkNation also has an exam for people wanting to know how they fall in the etiquitte category. In a nutshell, these are the basic urinal rules: No talking , unless it is a good friend...but even then, keep it terse and unemotional. This is not a clubhouse. Absolutely no touching of anyone other than yourself. A touch of another's elbow is of the highest offense. No Singing. Glances are for purposes of ackknowledgment only..."Yeah, I see you there. I will not look again.&quo

To be perfectly honest, I have NEVER written an ode so this will be an entirely new experience for me. I actually had to read up on how to write an ode in the 30 minutes I have, and write it as well. Please do not bash the ode newbie on the 10 line stanza ode. This will also be my last entry for the week of duct tape. I have never dedicated so much time to a single product. So, in response to shafftrac I present Ode to Duct Tape Where is my precious duct tape With it's shiny gray exterior? For round is the only shape with bonding so superior. It sticks to walls and make some clothes For all of us to wear. It repairs ballsand patches hose and even removes back hair. Where is my precious duct tape to fix my car interior? I need to cover a scrape with motives so ulterior. I need to lose a wart, tape the phone, and I need to fix the fan. I need some arch support, as I groan, as I hold to my beer can. Where is my precious duct tape to meet my every need? I have to make my duct tape cap

To carry on the week of duct tape, I have come up with a small list of everyday uses. Auto painting and repair: Grey is an excellent color to change your now sunflower yellow corvette. Not only can you change the color for pennies on the dollar, but you can patch those holes made from the rust. Tattoos: So, you had Juanita's named tattooed on your arm and you are no longer with her. Don't pay for the expensive laser surgery, throw duct take on it. Then it is like having a blank slate. Break out the dark blue Sharpie and write George! Show off your new design at the escaped convicts meeting. They will love it. Frostbite preventative: When you feel the sting of cold air and snow brushing up against your face at the Bears vs. Fudge Packers football game, slap some duct tape on your skin. It protects from the cold and water with the plastic barrier. Wart remover: Please do not use this on genital warts. Nuf said. Securing Toilet Seats: Often we guys have some female come into our h

With this being the week of duct tape, I decided to take you into the wonderful world of fashion. Duct Tape fashion is on the rise. Soon you will see Vera Wang, Jessica McClintock, Ralph Lauren all making their fashion contribution with duct tape. Think of it, The long perfectly fitting shimmering silver with the precision Sharpie label. I get a tear just thinking about it. When will the big stores of the Gap, Sport Authority, Jos A Banks, or Lane Bryant start carrying the hottest up and coming line of fashion and footwear? It is not too far away. The next thing you know, your fashion concious friend will be wearing the latest in Duck labelled duct tape brand 3 piece suit. For those of you feeling the need to wear white on your wedding day...white duct tape! The fun never stops! Consider how much money you may spend on a wedding dress. What would you expect to pay for this beautiful dress? $1,400..nope, $700...not even that...That's right you can make this dress for about $10. That

Since I have proclaimed this the week of duct tape, here is my second duct tape entry. Believe it or not there actually is a care and use policy for duct tape. I personally have tested a good portion of them. This is a short example of the care and use: For personal protection: Do not cover nose AND mouth of the assailant with duct tape. Side effects for this prescription are bursting blood vessels in the eyes, a red tinge to the skin followed by a blue tinge, shortness of breath, sudden tremors, spontaneous defecation, and even death. I have listened to a lot of prescription ads. When wrapping wrist, arms or feet, ensure that the assailant has at least three complete wraps. If the assailant is larger or stronger than the average assailant, use four wraps. Please note: For bondage purposes, I suggest two wraps in case the person taping has a heart attack. For easier removal, I suggest folding the last 1/4 to 1/2 inch of tape over onto itself do create a "dog-ear." This makes

I have been given the honorary title of the "King of Duct Tape." The problem is, I am actually NOT the king. I have been a follower of great duct tape users such as the late John Belushi or MacGuyver. Angus MacGuyver is actually the first person (fictional or not) to peak my interest in the many usages of duct tape. For all of you who NEVER watched, the show that changed my life forever. A fan, a dough-scraper and some duct tape, forms an excellent helicopter attack. He had extensive knowledge in all of the sciences and mathematics. He was my hero. I would sit in front of the TV day after day wondering how he would escape the guerilla camp or skyscraper with his duct tape. Every episode included the possession I so greatly prize. Why duct tape? It is a perfect every usage product. The adhesive on one side, the nylon or cotton cord meshed throughout, and the plastic waterproof barrier on the other side. There are entire web sites prescribing duct tage uses. For example: 101 Us

Today's post was ever so slightly delayed by a road trip to South Haven, Michigan. I loved the town. It was delightful...except for when we were leaving town. I moved up to the red light and another spacepod drove by me in the left lane and blow through the stop light. The van was plowed into by a car with the green going through the intersection. The van went flying and spinning and both driver appear to make it out ok. I told the cop I witnessed it and gave my info and we were back on the road. Why were we in South Haven? Well, a co-worker and friend of mine, owns a house there. Normally on road trips, we are unplanned and just hop in the car and go. That is basically what we did today. My wife ( QueenSuchandSuch ) decided we should go for a drive. Now, understand, this is like payday for me. I LOVE taking spontanious road-trips. At one time, a simple drive to Washington D.C. turned into a weekend in Maine (see the December 28 post ). In the past we have used the blind atlas meth

Warning, this post is long…go pee first. Several people have asked how QueenSuchandSuch and I have met. Well, today we are going to attempt a special treat. I am going to recall how our relationship started from my side, and Andi is going to recall how she THINKS it all happened from her side. I start this blog with my point (as I almost always have one) which is, you never know what will happen until you try. Think back to December 1997. The radio is playing “MMMBop” by Hanson and “Walking on the Sun” by Smash Mouth. I am in Reston, Virginia, working at my new position as a Microsoft Systems Consultant for a computer systems integrator. My wife, Teri, had her cancer surgery and has forced me to start dating. She believed it was not fair that she was not able to fulfill her wifely duties (this is a long blog in itself) after the surgery and is not willing to move to the Washington D.C. area. I accepted the new position for money. In Salisbury, Maryland, my salary was half of what I

Last night my wife ( QueenSuchandSuch ) had one of the book club meetings (without alcohol because it was at someone elses house). She has some sort of ear infection, so she couldn't drive. I packed the rest of the family into the spacepod and we were on our way. Our intent was that while she was delving into the details of the the book with her mama friends, the kids and I would grab a quick bite to eat at the nearest scarf and barf. I am not a big fan of fast food. So when the possibility came along, I was really looking to find something else. Understand, I love food. I especially love good food. I have eaten at some of the finest restaurant across the country and being in the Chicago area is a real treat because of how many truly exquisite restaurants there are. When we arrived at restaurant row, we noticed an off-the-road joint called Golden Corra. I know, it is supposed to be Golden Corral, but the "L" was out. At this point the brain kicked in, "Hey, you can f

My apologies to everyone for not getting around to their blogs yesterday. I was too tired. I am not old. I am not old. I am not old. There...at some time my body and I seperated on what I thought was a clear understanding. When I want to go nude cliff diving, my body agrees and we jump from the highest rock and let everything fly until the final sting of the water slapping up against my back. That is all well and good through my teenage years. At some point, between dismounting from telephone poles (yes, you can dismount telephone poles and no it is not falling) and the speed duct taping championship (I am the champion, and only contestant), my body and I came to a disagreement. How is this possible? Aren't body and mind interlinked? Why is it I am winded climbing the stairs in my 36 story building? Of course I am sitting on the 3rd floor, but that is beside the point. I have a theory on this. I think the pain you feel may be mistaken identity. Your brain is telling you "you c

I am all about warning labels. I think signs, paper, plastic, steel and rock have a purpose. Think about this. Do you really want to touch a freshly painted handrail? I appreciate every time someone places one of those signs. It is much better than having a black line permanently adhered to my beige pants. I think Stop signs, yield signs, children playing, moose crossing and quiet, deaf children playing signs are all appropriate. What brought me to this topic? Well, yesterday on the front page of the Chicago Sun-Times I had the great pleasure of seeing this. Apparently, the local police department became really tired of having to stop people, so they said “we mean it.” If you blow by this sign, we will duct tape you to the front of a school bus. I also think some warnings are an absolute waste of time and effort and really considers us stupid. Take for instance the container of salt (go ahead, go look) high in Sodium. Really? Damn. I was hoping for the low-sodium salt. How about the ta

There is really no point to this...just random thoughts. I have had many heated conversations with people about what they would do if they won the big lottery (opposed to the little lottery). You would think winning a butt load of money would be a no brainer. But it really isn’t if you think about it. Let’s run some numbers on a fairly large lottery say ($120,000,000.00) jackpot. That’s a lot of zeroes. The distributed jackpot is $120M. That is the jackpot over 25 years. If you take the annuity, you will end up with 120 Million. If you take the cash payout, you get a hair over half. I am taking the payout. Now, the payout is $63,000,000.00. That appears to be more than enough to buy the new house on the large amount of land, the new cars, tractor, utility company, and college for the kids. But we aren’t done yet. You see, unless you hire a really good lawyer and accountant, you are going to have relatives coming out of the woodwork you never knew you had. The lawyer will prevent the lo

I have worked for myself and work for other people. Most of the time, working for other people is a real pain. But my boss is not so bad. He takes the blunt end of the stick from the Wicked Witch of the North, and still manages to come out the other side. I am in IT Operations. Now most of you probably have no idea what that means. Well, in a nut shell, my job is to make sure the computer systems (like your PC), the applications running on the systems (somewhat like MS Office on your home PC) and the custom applications (somewhat like your budget spreadsheet) all work, all of the time. The difference between you managing your home PC and me managing my systems is kind of like having a roll of duct tape that can reach the moon. My “spreadsheet” is measured in hundreds of billions of dollars. My “MS Office” requires about 30 employees to keep it running. My “PC” requires 15 clothes dryer outlets and 120 standard home outlets. The main difference is you can turn your PC off. I can’t. Mine

This is a long one…Sorry. I have been working in the information technology industry for over 21 years now. I have seen the ups and downs of the field and understand it as a whole fairly well. A co-worker of mine I will call V-Jack, has been in the industry since Star Trek was still running as original programming. During my time, I have contributed to companies “improving” their processes and procedures by transitioning the pen and paper to the new, high speed, high productivity computer. The conversions save time, money, and make it easier for everyone. But does it? At what point did we decide that computers were going to replace humans? Let’s go back in time to 1978 (when my wife was born). If you walked into an office, you would hear the click, click of a typewriter. A secretary would write down via shorthand a letter or memo and was expected to complete 3 or 4 letters per day along with the other paperwork that needed to be completed. She was expected to make sure the boss signs p

As I age, I am looking for easier ways to keep a healthy heart. Surprisingly enough, most people, adults and children alike, already know the best method is through beans. I love beans. Why, you ask, are we discussing beans? Because…beans, beans are good for your heart! The more you eat, the more you fart. The more you fart, the better you feel, so eat your beans with every meal. Yesterday, I read a blog about a Mother’s challenge to have her 11 year old girl stop farting and laughing all of the time. These are real life body functions and people are suppressing them. Everybody farts (unless they are no longer living). Why do we fart? Well, there are multiple reasons: we swallow air, gas seeping from the blood to the intestines, and gas from chemical reactions in the digestive tract. But the biggest reason for the great gas passage is from bacteria. You have bacteria in your intestines that produce gas as part of the breakdown process of the food you eat. Some foods breakdown better th

If anyone has ever read “The DiVinci Code”, they stated that English is the language of science and math. My first ever Xanga post was about how we (the American public) kill the English language. Well, what about the other point of view; how the English language is so stupid and easy to kill? What scientist or mathematician would think to make a language which is without consistency? Let me start with a few small examples: Plural forms… The plural for more than one mouse is mice. The plural for more than one house is… houses. The plural for can is cans. The plural for man is men. Goose is geese and moose is moose (this one really get my goats). Not even Latin rooted words are immune… cactus plural is cacti, but bonus is bonuses. I could go on for days about plural forms; but I am typing and that would make my fingers sore. They may have the same spelling and pronunciation, but the plural form differs from word to word. Goose and moose are both nouns, both animals, both with the same p