The misleading Bean
As I age, I am looking for easier ways to keep a healthy heart. Surprisingly enough, most people, adults and children alike, already know the best method is through beans. I love beans. Why, you ask, are we discussing beans? Because…beans, beans are good for your heart! The more you eat, the more you fart. The more you fart, the better you feel, so eat your beans with every meal.
Yesterday, I read a blog about a Mother’s challenge to have her 11 year old girl stop farting and laughing all of the time. These are real life body functions and people are suppressing them. Everybody farts (unless they are no longer living).
Why do we fart? Well, there are multiple reasons: we swallow air, gas seeping from the blood to the intestines, and gas from chemical reactions in the digestive tract. But the biggest reason for the great gas passage is from bacteria. You have bacteria in your intestines that produce gas as part of the breakdown process of the food you eat. Some foods breakdown better than others and create a higher gas volume. If you do NOT let one loose every so often, then you are not treating your gastrointestinal tract with the care and respect it needs.
What brings me to this topic? Last night while watching CSI or Without a Trace (exact time unknown), my wife (QueenSuchAndSuch) let off the earth shaker. I thought for sure she was going to wake up the kids. When she didn’t, I responded in kind. She says I am too competitive. Most of the time when she cuts one loose (which happens quite often), it raises the sheets and shakes the bed and that’s about it. However, there have been times when the green cloud of doom has managed to escape from the tightly wrapped sheets and not only do I have to do a duck and cover, but so does she. Those are the times when you think “Where’s my duct tape?”
Let’s talk about gas etiquette if there is such a thing. When you are in your own home, a bathroom, or even in your own car (by yourself), cut it. What I don’t suggest is cutting the cheese with your wife and kids in the car. There are times in the minivan, with all windows opened, has caused my gag reflex to go off.
Even doing it outside does not mean you are immune to the after-effects. There have been those times when you are walking on the sidewalk and the guy who crossed your path cut one loose and you could still smell it 2 minutes later.
Don’t break wind in the elevator. I hate that. I walked into the elevator all unsuspecting to go up 5 floors. After I entered and the doors closed and I noticed the rather pungent scent wafting in the very small inescapable lift. It is at this point, I was willing to duct tape MYSELF up. So, I held my breath...for an entire floor, when someone else walks on to the upward bound elevator.
Now, I am faced with a dilemma. Do I exit the elevator, knowing full well that the new occupant is going to blame the fart on me, or do I stay on the elevator (while still holding my breath) and try to brush it off with small talk and save face? Maybe, he doesn’t smell it….maybe, he doesn’t have a nose. I stayed on taking short, shallow breatha to prevent getting a good whiff.
This brings me to my point (as I always have one). Why doesn’t the government intervene on this situation? You are now thinking “Huh?” People are not allowed to pee and poo in public, but when it comes to floating microparticles of bile and methane gas (yes, it is flammable…but it burns the butt hairs when lit, so don’t do it), they have no problem. I suppose there are challenges to policing the N8ivWarrior Stop Farting Act, but they always seem to find some sort of Gestapo method and it probably involves duct tape. Let's make it so that when you go to get your driver's license, you are handed a year’s supply of Beano.
Of course, some people would be exempt from this new proposed law such as pregnant people (pregnant women seem to fart continuously while walking) and people with diagnosed intestinal problems. But they could be assigned a farting waiver. OK, so maybe making a law for it is a stretch, but for Pete’s sake, don’t do it in confined spaces.
Yesterday, I read a blog about a Mother’s challenge to have her 11 year old girl stop farting and laughing all of the time. These are real life body functions and people are suppressing them. Everybody farts (unless they are no longer living).
Why do we fart? Well, there are multiple reasons: we swallow air, gas seeping from the blood to the intestines, and gas from chemical reactions in the digestive tract. But the biggest reason for the great gas passage is from bacteria. You have bacteria in your intestines that produce gas as part of the breakdown process of the food you eat. Some foods breakdown better than others and create a higher gas volume. If you do NOT let one loose every so often, then you are not treating your gastrointestinal tract with the care and respect it needs.
What brings me to this topic? Last night while watching CSI or Without a Trace (exact time unknown), my wife (QueenSuchAndSuch) let off the earth shaker. I thought for sure she was going to wake up the kids. When she didn’t, I responded in kind. She says I am too competitive. Most of the time when she cuts one loose (which happens quite often), it raises the sheets and shakes the bed and that’s about it. However, there have been times when the green cloud of doom has managed to escape from the tightly wrapped sheets and not only do I have to do a duck and cover, but so does she. Those are the times when you think “Where’s my duct tape?”
Let’s talk about gas etiquette if there is such a thing. When you are in your own home, a bathroom, or even in your own car (by yourself), cut it. What I don’t suggest is cutting the cheese with your wife and kids in the car. There are times in the minivan, with all windows opened, has caused my gag reflex to go off.
Even doing it outside does not mean you are immune to the after-effects. There have been those times when you are walking on the sidewalk and the guy who crossed your path cut one loose and you could still smell it 2 minutes later.
Don’t break wind in the elevator. I hate that. I walked into the elevator all unsuspecting to go up 5 floors. After I entered and the doors closed and I noticed the rather pungent scent wafting in the very small inescapable lift. It is at this point, I was willing to duct tape MYSELF up. So, I held my breath...for an entire floor, when someone else walks on to the upward bound elevator.
Now, I am faced with a dilemma. Do I exit the elevator, knowing full well that the new occupant is going to blame the fart on me, or do I stay on the elevator (while still holding my breath) and try to brush it off with small talk and save face? Maybe, he doesn’t smell it….maybe, he doesn’t have a nose. I stayed on taking short, shallow breatha to prevent getting a good whiff.
This brings me to my point (as I always have one). Why doesn’t the government intervene on this situation? You are now thinking “Huh?” People are not allowed to pee and poo in public, but when it comes to floating microparticles of bile and methane gas (yes, it is flammable…but it burns the butt hairs when lit, so don’t do it), they have no problem. I suppose there are challenges to policing the N8ivWarrior Stop Farting Act, but they always seem to find some sort of Gestapo method and it probably involves duct tape. Let's make it so that when you go to get your driver's license, you are handed a year’s supply of Beano.
Of course, some people would be exempt from this new proposed law such as pregnant people (pregnant women seem to fart continuously while walking) and people with diagnosed intestinal problems. But they could be assigned a farting waiver. OK, so maybe making a law for it is a stretch, but for Pete’s sake, don’t do it in confined spaces.
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