Oy! My Back!

 I did something to my back.

I find it interesting that after all these years, my body shows me new things that can be accomplished. When I was much younger than I am now, I climbed telephone poles as part of my job in the Air Force. I was great at going up the poles, moving around the pole, and even working on stuff while I was at the top of the pole. I have been electrocuted multiple times while up there by either the central office sending “ring” voltage down the line, or an electrical wire being too close to the telephone cable and inducting electricity over to it. But in either case, I was still fine, up on the pole, with two slivers of metal holding me astride the vertical pole. 

Coming down though... that was a different story. I would often “gaff out”. Coming down the pole was always the hardest part for me. You are supposed to straighten your leg, and drop into your next gaff point below you. In my case, I straightened my lag, and would slide down the pole because I would slap it instead of stab it. So one of the first things they teach you in military pole climb school is how to fall from a pole. 

You see, if you are suddenly dealing with gravity and two very sharp pieces of metal on the insides of your feet, the last thing you want to do is come down and land with one foot near another. Examples of that were provided to us as visual reminders. Toes, feet, heels are all susceptible to severe damage from the gaff. So you make sure your feet are apart. 

No big deal so far right? Part two, do NOT grab or hug the pole if you are falling. The first example of that was during training when they explained that you are not going to win against gravity and a splintered telephone pole. There was a guy who had splinters from his genitals to under his chin because he did not push away from the pole. A second example was during my active duty time in Maine. Not as severe as genitals, but the inside of the arms and the chin. Push away!

We are getting worse right, next comes the landing. Some people may not think about how to land when falling from a telephone pole, but these instructors have studied it heavily. You see, the landing on your feet with your feet apart is, besides being painful, extremely likely to break a leg, displacing or dislocating a hip, or just the force of the fall, forcing your body into a split that could again cause great harm to your genitals. There is a lot of concern for ones genitalia. 

So let’s take all these lessons together. Don’t land on your feet or with them close together. Don’t hug or grab the pole. Your options are limited at this point. Right. They teach you to fall directly on your back. Legs spread, head tucked toward chest. We had to fall for nearly an hour just to make sure we understood how to fall during training. Granted we were only a foot off the ground, but the process was drilled into our brains. 

When I climbed poles in Maine, I was guaranteed to gaff out. The poles were old and sometimes frozen. So I would just “dismount” the poles. From the working height, I would judge my trajectory of the fall, and properly fall from the pole flat on my back to the ground or hopefully, a snow drift. Teri, my first wife, would watch me dismount and laugh. Nobody could beat my speed going down. Yes, it could take the wind out of me, but I never had to go to the hospital. I consider that a win. I would be bruised and sore on my back, but it was better than spending 6 hours with a nurse removing splinters out of my arms or chin. 

Today though... I was trying to get out of bed.  A normal movement everyone makes every day! But no, I ended up sliding off the bed, onto the floor and just decided the floor was a nice place to stay at that moment. My wife looks down at me as I stretched to try to reach my phone so I didn’t have to look at the carpet the entire time I was going to be on the floor. She offered that “such a pity” look and pushed the phone closer. 

Hopefully, after taking an Aleve and soaking in a hot bath it will loosen up and I will be able to sleep tonight. If not, you can find me on the floor or in this tub tomorrow morning.