Life and Death
During lunch today, my Queen and I entered the discussion I have honestly been avoiding. The discussion comes down to bringing another life to this world and expanding our family, or not. Now, I normally do not discuss this type of stuff in my blog but I need to type my way through it all. There is a infinitesimally small possibility that my thought processes are wrong and I need to just expand the family.
First issue: I am rapidly approaching 42 years of age. When the child graduates from high school, I will have lived 60 years...if I make it that long. The next 18 years are the years my body will begin to break down from the abuse I have handed it over the past 42 years. The last thing I want to do is leave my not yet grown child without a parent much in the same way my father and my older kids mother did. I want to be able to live an active and fruitful life with my child.
Second issue: Mobility is something I have desired for quite some time. The ability to throw the family on a plane and take a trip to Bermuda or San Francisco is easy with only one child in tow. If I decide to take that job in Dublin, I want to be able to find housing to fit the entire family. Extra child means extra housing...and for that matter, added expense. Now that the 3 older children are pretty much on their own, we have a little bit of money to catch up on debts and get our financial affairs in order.
Third issue: What if the child is a boy? So far I have been fortunate enough to have all girls. With girls, I know what I am suppose to do. With boys, I haven't a clue. Yes, I understand that would a new learning experience and that is really what life is about, but when I am in my 50s, that same boy will want me to be active. When I was growing up, my step-father was well into his 60s and really didn't have the energy nor the physique to play basketball or throw the frisbee with me. I loved him dearly, but I felt as though I missed out on that portion of the relationship. Granted I will be 8 year junior to him during this process, but I still have to wonder.
Fourth issue: Where do we put the child? We have downsized so much that the one child that has moved back in with us until she get back on her feet is a bit of a crowd. The "guest room" would become the nursery...or we find a larger place, which I am not terribly keen about.
On the other hand, the Queen has made a few good points. She feels that I am not too old and that 60 is fine for men to be. "It is not like you will be 80." Additionally, she stated that it isn't fair to her that we go through the marriage in a monthly pattern of am-I-pregnant, I-think-I-am-pregnant, I-am-not-pregnant disappointment and that I should get a vasectomy. To be fair, she is right about that one. It is very selfish of me not to think that way.
She also made a couple arguments I discarded such as "I am bored" and "Your first wife had 3, why can't I?" For those my response is "take a class and get out of the house" and "I figured I would have a total of 3 kids."
Now, let me walk through each of my own issues.
First issue: I see plenty of people around me living fruitfully in their 50s. Medicine has extended the average lifespan to 83 years for men. With my wife's help, she will prod me into going to the doctor regularly to make sure I live another decade before she kills me off.
Second issue: With the price of transportation as a whole skyrocketing, the odds of us taking a jet weekend are slim. As far as taking a position in Dublin, it would matter if it were 1 child or 2 children to move internationally. On the money front, I am doing well with staying above the salary line, that will not change. Besides, all of the debt should be resolved by the time the baby is born.
Third issue: Deal with it. Your friend Bryan has 5 girls until he recently had a boy added to the clan. He is happy and looks forward to spending time with him. On a side note, I believe he is also 40 something. I am sure having a boy to carry on the Burkholder name will not be a bad thing either since I am the last one.
Fourth issue: The quick answer is to get the 20 year old out on her own. The 19 and 18 year old children have plans and are executing them successfully. The eldest said she would be on her own in November. Honestly, I think it will be February, but either way, it is before a baby.
How old is too old really? How nuts will I become if I have another little version of me? I know how much terror I provided my Mother. Is my own selfishness getting in the way of my wife's happiness? That would be the last thing I would want to do. I just don't know.
I decided to add this last tidbit after publishing... If the Queen just ended up getting pregnant, I would not have an issue, and I would actually embrace it. But the idea of planning out a family is the struggle I have most.
Also, found this while contemplating. (http://ask.metafilter.com/37116/How-old-is-too-old-to-father)
Hot topic today... Wall Street Journal (http://blogs.wsj.com/juggle/2008/09/12/too-old-to-be-a-father/?mod=hpp_asia_blogs)
First issue: I am rapidly approaching 42 years of age. When the child graduates from high school, I will have lived 60 years...if I make it that long. The next 18 years are the years my body will begin to break down from the abuse I have handed it over the past 42 years. The last thing I want to do is leave my not yet grown child without a parent much in the same way my father and my older kids mother did. I want to be able to live an active and fruitful life with my child.
Second issue: Mobility is something I have desired for quite some time. The ability to throw the family on a plane and take a trip to Bermuda or San Francisco is easy with only one child in tow. If I decide to take that job in Dublin, I want to be able to find housing to fit the entire family. Extra child means extra housing...and for that matter, added expense. Now that the 3 older children are pretty much on their own, we have a little bit of money to catch up on debts and get our financial affairs in order.
Third issue: What if the child is a boy? So far I have been fortunate enough to have all girls. With girls, I know what I am suppose to do. With boys, I haven't a clue. Yes, I understand that would a new learning experience and that is really what life is about, but when I am in my 50s, that same boy will want me to be active. When I was growing up, my step-father was well into his 60s and really didn't have the energy nor the physique to play basketball or throw the frisbee with me. I loved him dearly, but I felt as though I missed out on that portion of the relationship. Granted I will be 8 year junior to him during this process, but I still have to wonder.
Fourth issue: Where do we put the child? We have downsized so much that the one child that has moved back in with us until she get back on her feet is a bit of a crowd. The "guest room" would become the nursery...or we find a larger place, which I am not terribly keen about.
On the other hand, the Queen has made a few good points. She feels that I am not too old and that 60 is fine for men to be. "It is not like you will be 80." Additionally, she stated that it isn't fair to her that we go through the marriage in a monthly pattern of am-I-pregnant, I-think-I-am-pregnant, I-am-not-pregnant disappointment and that I should get a vasectomy. To be fair, she is right about that one. It is very selfish of me not to think that way.
She also made a couple arguments I discarded such as "I am bored" and "Your first wife had 3, why can't I?" For those my response is "take a class and get out of the house" and "I figured I would have a total of 3 kids."
Now, let me walk through each of my own issues.
First issue: I see plenty of people around me living fruitfully in their 50s. Medicine has extended the average lifespan to 83 years for men. With my wife's help, she will prod me into going to the doctor regularly to make sure I live another decade before she kills me off.
Second issue: With the price of transportation as a whole skyrocketing, the odds of us taking a jet weekend are slim. As far as taking a position in Dublin, it would matter if it were 1 child or 2 children to move internationally. On the money front, I am doing well with staying above the salary line, that will not change. Besides, all of the debt should be resolved by the time the baby is born.
Third issue: Deal with it. Your friend Bryan has 5 girls until he recently had a boy added to the clan. He is happy and looks forward to spending time with him. On a side note, I believe he is also 40 something. I am sure having a boy to carry on the Burkholder name will not be a bad thing either since I am the last one.
Fourth issue: The quick answer is to get the 20 year old out on her own. The 19 and 18 year old children have plans and are executing them successfully. The eldest said she would be on her own in November. Honestly, I think it will be February, but either way, it is before a baby.
How old is too old really? How nuts will I become if I have another little version of me? I know how much terror I provided my Mother. Is my own selfishness getting in the way of my wife's happiness? That would be the last thing I would want to do. I just don't know.
I decided to add this last tidbit after publishing... If the Queen just ended up getting pregnant, I would not have an issue, and I would actually embrace it. But the idea of planning out a family is the struggle I have most.
Also, found this while contemplating. (http://ask.metafilter.com/37116/How-old-is-too-old-to-father)
Hot topic today... Wall Street Journal (http://blogs.wsj.com/juggle/2008/09/12/too-old-to-be-a-father/?mod=hpp_asia_blogs)
Comments
A discussion on kids, how many etc. should have been decided prior to the marriage or saying I do.
Once women reach 35 + they go through this phase like needing to have this child no matter what - women's hormones raging.
Lots of people have kids over 40 and love it as it keeps them younger and mobile. Basically bottom line, do you want to enjoy the rest of your years enjoying life with your wife and traveling the world etc. or are you ready to dedicate another 18-20 years to another child.
You basically have to sit down and do a sheet of the pros and cons that is the only way to work it out realistically speaking that is. I went through this 2 years ago after 2 miscarriages and we both decided that hubby was going to have a vasectomy and it has been a blessing. If I did have another child, I have to realize I am not as young as I used to be and will get irritated easily with getting up in the wee hours of the morning, taking the kid out for all their sports games, parent and teacher night etc. and that can be draining in the long run.
It is a tough decision and unfortunately once it is done there is no going back. You are not selfish but realistic and on one hand I can understand your wives point of view and on the other, yours as well.
And man what a doozy it was to have my own kid. I mean geez, that was such a mistake. The sleepless nights, the schlepping, the well, parenting...so not worth it, right?
But then I guess I would have had to do without the amazing experience of creating a human being inside my own body and looking into that child's eyes and feeling love that no human can ever describe unless they have felt it and that one mother on EARTH could regret... but hey, that's just me and my list.
I mean who cares if instead of "Loving Mother" your tombstone reads "Got to sleep late, travel, and be completely calm all my life" Yeah...I really missed that boat.
Real Mothers don't eat quiche; they don't have time to make it.
Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the
sandbox.
Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.
Real Mothers know that dried play dough doesn't come out of carpets.
Real Mothers don't want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.
Real Mothers sometimes ask 'Why me?' and get their answer when a little
voice says, 'Because I love you best.'
Real Mothers know that a child's growth is not measured by height or
years or grade...It is marked by the progression of Mommy to Mom to
Mother...
4 YEARS OF AGE - My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE - My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE - My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
14 YEARS OF AGE - Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.
16 YEARS OF AGE - Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 YEARS OF AGE - That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE - Well, she might know a little bit about it!
35 YEARS OF AGE - Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE - Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE - Wish I could talk it over with Mom.
I'm 27 years old. My dad, an Irish immigrant who worked 30 years hard manual labor doing construction, a body that's kinda broken down these days, had a part in my birth when he was 39 years old. He's now 66. He's a tremendous presence in my life. If you had a kid, you'd be 69 as he'd type this, if he were me.
I was an 'oops'. My mom had me when she was 33. They're both still kicking, living life to it's fullest. The 60's today aren't the 60's in the 80's or even 90's.
If there's an itch, why not scratch it. Remember, 'Michael' is a solid, strong name.