Changes in Me

Now that I have found most of my birth family, I am noticing some changes in myself that are both concerning and reassuring. 

Let's start with the concerning bit. I used to have a drive to always show what I can do, be the best at whatever I focus on, and constantly expand my knowledge to reduce my weaknesses. I would think up ideas on how to change the world to be a better place, write down the business plan, the process to implement, etc. I am constantly looking at the next technology leap and seeing how I can fit into it to help move it forward. Initiative was never a challenge. 

Yesterday, Andi noticed I was staring out the window of the restaurant as I had done many time before and asked what I was thinking about. My response was "nothing". It was that one point in time that had not only surprised myself, but put me into a panic. When I was asked that question previously, I was thinking of a business plan, or how something outside was interacting with something else... Or even people watching. But this time, there was literally nothing. All I saw was manicured grass, a parking lot with cars and people, and other buildings, and I wasn't thinking about any of it. 

But this isn't the only time this has happened since connecting with my birth family. I have found this to happen at work, at home, even walking around town. My drive to make a difference has greatly reduced. That initiative to create and help others in the work environment has also reduced. This is very concerning. What I have found instead is that I want to help my family. I want to help my wife, my kids, my nephew, my niece, and my new family as well. I want to make sure that they are OK even if I am no longer alive.

Morbid, I know. 

So where does the relaxing part come into play?  Having nothing running in your brain means there aren't 50 scenarios to a problem you are anticipating. There are solutions to problems that need to be thought out to a problem that many don't see yet. There isn't a way to take a great technology and make it usable or better. There is peace in a mind that has gone 100,000,000 processes per second for the last 49 years. It is like placing that supercomputer into sleep mode and just listening to the hum of the power supply. 

For me, right now, that hum is the gentle rain on the pavement as cars pass along Lake Shore Drive. I am sitting in the dark, just dumping this cache of information onto this blog that has held my thoughts, fears, and ambitions. 

Finding my family was my driver. Even though there is one more family member to find, I feel the bulk of my life is now at peace. May you find that same peace in your own.